In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, the author discusses the
importance of choosing which of our problems to give a fuck about, which pain
to seek. To seek happiness is to live on a never-ending quest of constant
disappointment: “Wanting a positive experience is a negative experience.
Accepting a negative experience is a positive experience.” If problems never
cease to exist, choose them wisely, then seek to be happy from the solving of those
problems, those desired.
My great Aunt Ni, my grandma’s
sister, is on her deathbed. I only knew one grandparent —she was a hell of a
lady— and this her only sibling. This is something, someone, I give a fuck
about, very many fucks, actually. If we indeed do choose the pain we seek to
feel, this is at the top of the list. I take comfort in hurting so much right
now with this loss to my family because of her immense importance to us. It’s a
good thing tears fall on my bed sheets as I write because I am happy for what
she means to me, to us. No, I didn’t call her or visit enough when I lived in
Chicago, but I can’t change that now. Not an excuse, simply a fact. Though I
can be happy for all the times she didn’t have to drive 40 minutes alone
because she had my sister and me to take her to family gatherings. We’d gabble
in the car, it was fun. But she could have driven if she needed to. She was so
strong, so independent. I marveled at her ability to live, to see her family,
to continue connections and seek new ones in her assisted living home (though I
think for most of the time she lived there, it was without assistance). She’s a
tough cookie, just like her sister. I miss them. Ooofah these tears are
cathartic. I’m so grateful for them because they show me how truly lucky I am
to have a family like mine.
I hope this is centering. This is
a pain worth experiencing hard. Not to discredit or undermine the importance of
other pain I’m experiencing but this is a good reminder of my priorities:
Family first.
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